The Full List

Psychiatrists tell us that in order to move on and let go of unpleasant memories we first have to confront those memories, no matter how uncomfortable that process makes us, and come to terms with them. If you believe that crap, take a deep breath, this could be painful…

Here’s a short list of things that Jamaicans once loved and have since had the good sense to get over:

Cash Plus: Ok, so the greasy ponytail and the jail record should’ve tipped me off. I got caught up like everybody else. Sue me!

In the beginning… there was the humble handshake. Polite, versatile and almost universal. Then, in the 1970’s there came the “gimme five”, where “cool” people greeted each other by slapping palms together, one on top of the other. This was soon followed by the “high-five” where persons slapped palms together high in the air. In the 80’s, came the enormously popular “boom fist” where folks knocked closed fists together, one on top of the other, or fist forward with the front of each fist facing the other. In the 90’s coming into the new millennium, however, we got a little carried away…

Is there a fruit more desired by Jamaicans than the mango? Think about it! For about seven or eight months of the year, Jamaicans eagerly anticipate mango season, thinking up all the ways they can acquire as many mangoes as they can. Some even cleverly plan visits to friends and relatives who have mango trees at their homes. On arrival, they carefully utter their greetings, knowing that the slightest slip of the tongue may reveal the real reason they’re there:
“Man… look how little Billy grow since las’ season…ahm…since las’ year, ah mean”.

I would love for someone to explain to me why Jamaicans so frequently “double-up” their words.  Has anyone at the University taken the time to study this curious phenomenon?  Its obvious that some examples of this occurrence are just English words that we’ve gotten into the habit of saying twice, perhaps for the sake of emphasis. (Perhaps its easier to simply double-up a word than to find additional words to help emphasize a point?) Or perhaps it’s a part of a Jamaican penchant for deliberate over-exaggeration in our descriptions of even mundane things? Other words appear not to be English at all and perhaps may have been passed down to us by our African ancestors?  Consider the following examples:

Batta batta:  To survive or merely get by. E.g. “How yuh stay Ralston?”

“Bwoy Lenny, mi jus deh yah a batta batta inna di recession”

Bumpy-bumpy: Very bumpy. Covered in bumps. e.g. “Gweh! Yuh face bumpy-bumpy like jackfruit!”

Cabba-cabba: Uncivilised people.  “Is when Parliament get so full of cabba-cabba?”

Chacka-chacka: Untidy. Disorganised.

Cyass-cyass: A noisy quarrell or controversy. (See Ray-ray) Studies have shown that the persons most likely to be involved in cyass-cyass are fool-fool, cabba-cabba people who enjoy the mix-up and ray-ray. 

Deady-deady: Unexciting. Boring. Convetional Jamaican wisdom is that deady-deady relationships often lead to infidelity. e.g. “Leroy, mi tyad ah the deady-deady lovin. If yuh nuh careful yuh ah go find Joe Grind inna yuh life!”

Degeh-degeh: Singly. By itself.

Dibby-dibby: Not worthy of respect. A dibby-dibby girl is best avoided. A dibby-dibby, licky-licky girl should be shunned like the plague.

Dooguh-dooguh: Sexual intercourse. What’s popularly known today as “daggering”. (Popularly known in places where it hasn’t been completely banned by the Broadcasting Commission, that is.)

Depending on the time of year or the context in which it is used, the expression, “Yuh get Bun?” can elicit a range of responses. You see, in Jamaica, there is the bun you love to receive, and the bun you hate to receive. One is the sweet, tasty, bread-like treat, consumed daily by Jamaicans and which is especially popular during Easter time. The other is the first step in what often ends up being a domestic crime scene.

“Sell me two small fry chicken! One leg an’ thigh, curry gravy! One breas’ an’ wing, food an’ stew beef gravy!  If you’ve never heard these or similar words then you’ve never ordered an authentic Jamaican lunch in an authentic Jamaican cook shop… and you have my sympathies. For the uninitiated, let me translate. What was being requested was two small fried chicken lunches, and instead of being accompanied with chicken gravy, one was to be smothered in curry chicken gravy and the other in stew beef gravy.

Fried Chicken with curry gravy?! You may be wondering what would motivate a person to place such a strange order. Well, the first thing you should know is that fried chicken, stew beef and curry goat/chicken are perennial lunch time favourites in any Jamaican restaurant/cook shop.

The second thing you should know is that Jamaicans firmly believe in maximising the value we get for every dollar. And we’re greedy.

 Fervet Opus in Campis. The Utmost for the Highest. Fortis. These are the mottos of three Jamaican, all-boys, High Schools. Said mottos are burned into the consciousnesses of each and every boy who ever graduated from these schools over the numerous decades of their existence. Questioned some forty years later, that same boy (now man) can likely recite the motto in English and Latin, say it backwards and forward and regale you with the lewd/bastardised versions of said motto.

The above is just a tiny example of the profound impact made by these schools on their graduates and no doubt partly explains the fanatical loyalty of male graduates of Jamaican High Schools including Wolmers, Kingston College, Jamaica College, Calabar, St. Georges, Munro and Cornwall College. Their graduates (“old boys”) display a devotion that would inspire envy in many a religious cult.

Every old boy can explain his loyalty to his school.  He made lifelong friends there, he received an excellent education there, and, most importantly, his school is better than all others.

Is there any doubt that Jamaicans love pepper? Jerk pork, pepper shrimp, Solomon gundy and even the humble beef patty; none are considered fit for consumption unless they are infused with liberal doses of pepper. For many Jamaicans living abroad, a trip home is considered a complete waste if they are not able to procure a few bottles of Grace Hot Sauce or Pickapeppa Sauce to take back to “farin”.

Consider the behaviour of the average Jamaican at dinner – and this includes the most humble home and sometimes even the poshest restaurant. More often than not, the meal will be liberally sprinkled with hot sauce even before we’ve tasted said meal to determine whether a little extra “fire” is needed.

“H’emphasise your H’s you h’ignorant h’ass!” – Author unknown

As much as I ‘ate to say so, h’it h’is h’an h’unfortunate h’and h’unavoidable fact that many Jamaicans h’often drop their haitches (H’s) and put them h’in places that they h’ought not to be.

While h’it is difficult to h’understand why this ‘abit h’is so common, it h’is, in fact, so prevalent h’it can almost be considered part of h’our ‘eritage. H’in fact, h’I ‘ave noticed that the ‘arder Jamaicans try to speak properly h’is the more they suffer from this h’affliction.

While this ‘abit h’is distressing, h’it is not ‘opeless. I h’am credibly h’advised that with speech therapy h’and patience this h’inclination can be h’eliminated.

A rough guesstimate, based on my own observance while in the tenth grade of high school, put the percentage of school fights caused by the utterance,“yuh madda” in the high 70’s.  If the school principal back then had run a tally of reasons why disheveled, bleeding schoolboys were presented before him daily, surely the ‘drawing’ of the ‘madda cyaad’ would be at the top of the list.

Not just confined within Jamaican borders, the ‘madda cyaad’ is THE universal invitation to start a fight. In the United States, it’s often expressed in the black community as any insult beginning (or ending) with, “yo momma”.  In the United Kingdom, I’m almost certain that the expression is “your mum” (they’re a bit more proper you see!).