The Full List

A Jamaican man walks through the shopping plaza with his wife and children on a busy Saturday afternoon. Out of nowhere comes a loud, piercing voice that seems to reverberate off the walls near him: “Yow Lippy! LIPPY!!! Backside, a you dat Lippy?”

The man pretends that he is not the one being called – not with THAT nickname and certainly not twenty years out of high school… And definitely not in public, with the family in tow. Finally, turning around, he looks carefully at the person calling to him. He vaguely remembers the face but the voice that continues to speak is unmistakable: “Lippy… how tings man? Bwoy, all ah now you nuh grow into dat lip yet, eh?”

And the humiliation continues.

“Woe be unto the youth that cannot live without his Wii” – Author Unknown

Remember the games we played as youngsters? Now the youngsters I’m referring to here are the generation of Jamaican kids (including myself) that grew up in the 70’s and 80’s. Before this era I wasn’t alive to comment and after this era I was totally hijacked by the video game phenomenon. Before the video games, however, I had another life. One where I built my toys and games from scratch; from the things that lay around the house, things that were meant to be discarded, or from the fruits of Mother Nature. Now, I look back at the ingenuity that went into these play-things and wonder, who first came up with each of them? Some of them are not unique to Jamaica, but for others you really have to think that only Jamaicans could come up with such inventions.

For the benefit of those who may not know these homemade Jamaican toys or for those who know them and remember them fondly, here’s a list of some of them:

The French say “Merde!” the Spanish say “Madre de dios!” and Barbadians say “Cheese-on-bread!”.  Every country/culture has distinctive expressions that are used to convey shock or surprise. Jamaicans are no different. Well… actually, I think we are different. My guess is that we have a greater number and wider variety of ways to express shock or surprise than anyone else in the world. The sheer number and unusualness of Jamaican exclamations would be sufficient for a Phd thesis.  We won’t even get into the numerous exclamations that end with “claat”.  Those would provide sufficient material for a year-long university course (Perhaps it could be called: “R.A.S.S. 101: Basic Studies in the use of Invective and Diatribe in the Jamaican Vernacular”?). The following is just a sample of the numerous exclamations found in the Jamaican vocabulary:

In the early 1970s Ernie Smith recorded a now legendary song called “Duppy or a gunman”. In that song he describes a romantic, late-night encounter between two young lovers which is brought to an abrupt end when something/someone sneaks up behind them and says in menacing tones: “Don’t move!”  The response of the terrified young Casanova, who assumes the voice is that of a ghost or thief, is to instantly forget his sweetheart and immediately take flight. Apart from just being funny, however, the song tells us a little bit about the things that strike terror into the hearts of ordinary Jamaicans. But what else terrifies Jamaicans? This article takes a closer look at a few of the things that frighten a nation of people who take pride in the fact that they don’t scare easily.

Recent tests by chemists (apparently with lots of free time) on US currency in circulation, made the stunning revelation that over 95% of the money had traces of hard drugs affixed to it. As amazing as this fact is, it would not compare to what a similar analysis would reveal about Jamaican money – which is that every single dollar contains significant amounts of microscopic patty crumbs and the powdery flour residue from coco-bread (that same examination would also, I suppose, reveal similar quantities of that sugary substance from the Jamaican favourite, the bag juice, but that’s another article).

Jamaicans have a well-deserved reputation for being among the most volatile people in the world. Our contention, however, is that it’s really only very specific things that will trigger the fury of ordinary Jamaicans.  If you avoid these “triggers” Jamaicans are some of the most loving and docile people on earth. (That one made me laugh too, when I wrote it). Anyway, here a few things that are guaranteed, as they say on the street, to “bring out the darkness” in Jamaicans:

There is a universally accepted adage which states that there is more happiness in giving than there is in receiving. Though this may be true, it certainly seems that in Jamaica nothing compares to the immense joy of receiving something of value absolutely free of cost – a phenomenon commonly referred to as ‘freenis’.

Jamaicans love freenis and we have mastered the art of putting ourselves in the position to be the beneficiaries of free stuff. Thus, we will immediately jump at an offer of a free ticket to a movie, concert or even a high school barbeque. Similarly, glimpsing free t-shirts or mugs being given away at a party will make some of us slice through a crowd, straight to the source with ninja-like dexterity. And some would even consider a free igloo set the deal maker when deciding to buy living room furniture!

What are the similarities between the things Jamaicans love and the things Jamaicans hate? Well, Jamaicans can be equally passionate, loud and utterly unreasonable about both. Having devoted a lot of attention to the things Jamaicans hold dear, we thought it was about time we looked at a few of the things Jamaicans hate…

Badmind: Badmind is a typically descriptive Jamaican term which generally refers to any kind of hatred, envy or ill-will. If the average Jamaican is to be believed, badmind is the source of 99% of all problems in their life. So if you’ve lost your job, it’s not because you came to work late a record 37 days in a row. It’s because your badmind supervisor hates you because you’re black and wants to stop your progress. If your husband leaves you for another woman it’s not because he was an unfaithful bastard with a roving eye. No, is because yuh badmind matey tief yuh good-good man.

Just for a second, imagine Santa’s big red bag of gifts in the form of a fibre drum. This I dare say is the true representation of a shipping barrel to many Jamaicans – it’s Christmas in a corrugated cardboard container! Indeed, the arrival of a barrel is often a joyous occasion no matter what time of year it comes, since it means that the cupboards will now be stocked and your old belongings upgraded.

The practice of packing and sending a barrel is a Jamaican tradition. It’s a tradition that sometimes doesn’t end even when the intended recipient(s) in Jamaica feel that they are now well-off or that they could make better use of the money their relatives are spending to pack and ship that barrel. So, don’t even bother telling that uncle of yours not to send anymore barrels of tissue, rice, tin mackerel and that whole cow worth of bully beef, just because those items are sold in Jamaica.  That would be plain ingratitude.

Jamaicans have always a been creative people. Witness our many contributions to the arts: In music we’ve given the world reggae, dancehall and ska. In literature we’ve produced Roger Mais, Claude McKay and Louise Bennett. In the visual arts, Edna Manley, Barrington Watson and Albert Huie. Sometimes, however, I wonder if all this unbridled creativity doesn’t need some “curbing”. So, for example, there’s the issue of made-up names…

More and more I’m noticing persons with names that seem to be, how do I put this politely, invented, concocted or just pulled out of thin air! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying it should never happen (ok, I don’t think it should happen much) and I’m not saying the names are necessarily unattractive either. I’m just fascinated (ok, and a little disturbed too) by the thought processes behind some of these inventions. So, for example, one common approach seems to be to just add “ique” or “nique” to an existing name and, voila! The result is the likes of Sashanique, Veronique and Junique.