The Full List

There are certain laws of the Universe which one must simply accept and acknowledge. The sun, for example, rises in the east and sets in the West. But there are other less “universal” rules and laws which are peculiar to Jamaica, which are equally certain. In other words, in Jamaica certain things are “known”. For example –

1. Rice ‘n’ peas, mackerel run down, cocoa tea – everything tastes better when made with coconut milk… It is known.

2. Whether the complaint is gas, fever, headache, heartache or “bad feelings” there is a tea of some kind – whether Cerasee, Ginger, Mint or Moringa – to cure every ailment… It is known.

3. In any given year, Jamaica will experience drought, hurricane or flood… It is known.

Thingsjamaicanslove.com, as is well known, is never afraid to court a little controversy and, as such, we boldly release our list of the Baddest Jamaican Cover Versions ever recorded. Yes, we know the list omits many great songs, and yes, the list could go on forever, but this is OUR list, so go ahead and argue about it!

“Now That We’ve Found Love” – Third World – Very few people can take a song originally sung by the legendary O’Jays and say they’ve taken that song to a whole new level. But take a few minutes to listen to the original version, which was recorded in 1973 and features Eddie Levert, one of R&B’s greatest “shouters” on lead vocals and then listen to Third World’s 1979 version featuring powerful, foot-stomping, goosebump-inducing vocals by Bunny Rugs, one of Reggae music’s finest voices. Sorry, O’Jays, from the day they recorded it, this song belonged to Third World. (While you’re at it, check out Heavy D & the Boyz’ 1991 hip-hop classic which features the chorus from this song sung by Guy’s Aaron Hall.”

“Baltimore” – Tamlins – This song was originally recorded by Randy Newman in 1977 and that version is justifiably known for its wistful, mournful quality. The Tamlins’ 1979 version, however, anchored by a moody drum and bass from legendary production duo Sly & Robbie, is a haunting and majestic classic.

In Jamaica the only thing bigger than the annual ISSA/GraceKennedy Boys and Girls Championships (aka “Champs”) is Christmas. (Maybe). After 106 years of existence Champs is the leading schoolboy/schoolgirl athletics competition in Jamaica (if not the world) and Jamaicans look forward to it with a fervor and passion that is a sight to behold. In the unlikely event that you weren’t aware that Champs was coming up here are some sure signs that its about to take place…

When visitors to Jamaica ask what they should do while vacationing here they’re often told to visit the usual tourist spots like Dunns River Falls and White River on the north coast and Bob Marley Museum and Devon House in Kingston. There’s nothing wrong with these attractions which are wonderful parts of Jamaica’s heritage but we feel that visiting these places, by themselves, wont give a vistor the full pungent, unadulterated flavour of Jamaica. If you really want to experience Jamaica we suggest you extend your trip by a few weeks and rather than merely visiting places you use the time to immerse yourself in the following experiences:

Throughout the ages philosophers have pondered mankind’s great metaphysical questions. What is the meaning of life? What is man’s purpose on earth? How does one get a Jamaican woman to like you? The latter is possibly the most difficult conundrum of them all.  How does one court and win over God’s most complex and wondrous creation – the Jamaican damsel?

Here at ThingsJamaicansLove.com we’ve spent a lifetime pondering this very question and we’re keenly aware that there are many frustrated men out there looking for guidance. Alas, young Romeo, we dont have any definitive answers for you. The best we can do is to give you a few suggestions based on a lifetime of research and (occasionally painful)  experience. 

Around this time each year the recipients of National Honours and Awards are awarded their honours in a swanky ceremony on the lawns of Kings House attended by numerous dignitaries and closely watched by the news media. Persons who have served the country with distinction in a wide variety of fields are given Orders of Distinction, Orders of Jamaica, rders of the Nation Medals of Honour and so on. While these persons are eminently deserving of these honours we believe that there are also a number of outstanding Jamaicans who have been left off the list of honourees who should be recognised for their contributions to the Nation.  ThingsJamaicansLove.com would therefore like to respectfully recommend that the following persons and entities be awarded national honours without delay:

From time to time my female friends have asked me for advice on how they can find themselves a good Jamaican man. I usually tell them “go ask my girlfriend” but, truthfully, I’m not sure she actually knows how she ended up with me. If you ask me it was pure dumb luck on her part but if you ask her she’ll probably say it was punishment for her sins. That said, for those of you who are looking for a more strategic approach, I’m going to share with you my insights on how you can get and keep a Jamaican man.

Centuries ago star-crossed lovers uttered sweet nothings along the lines of “How do I love thee, let me count the ways” (Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnet #43) and “Shall I compare thee to a summers day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate” (Shakespeare, Sonnet #18 ). In more recent times sweethearts (at least in the movies anyway) were saying things like “You complete me” (Tom Cruise in Jerry Maguire) and “Don’t forget I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her” (Julia Roberts in Notting Hill).

These, of course, are among some of the most romatic lines ever, but to us at ThingsJamaicansLove.com they sound a little old fashioned, a little sugary and just a little bit corny. As far as we’re concerned, while the passion lovers feel is timeless and enduring the sweet nothings they use should be updated from time to time. That in mind, we decided to create some updated sweet nothings for modern Jamaican lovers:

Its often been said that there are “two Jamaica’s” that exist side by side. This is usually a reference to the division between the rich and poor in Jamaica; the haves and the have-nots, uptown and downtown. Being keen observers of the Jamaican condition ThingsJamaicansLove.com has noticed, however, that there’s a further division in Jamaica that relates to lifestyle choices. We’ve observed that certain segments of the country have, in recent times, joined a health and fitness revolution that’s swept the island and has large numbers of persons jogging, spinning, cycling, crossfit-ing and boot-camping for the first time. 

This health and fitness phenomenon has also extended to the way those persons eat. Old eating habits have been replaced by a new “eat-clean” mantra where simple carbs and bad fats are ruthlessly eliminated and every detail of what’s eaten is meticulously recorded and analysed.  In other segments of Jamaica, however, we’ve noticed that the health and fitness revolution hasn’t quite taken hold yet and old eating habits stubbornly persist. That in mind, TJL decided to take a closer look at this curious “two Jamaica’s/two diets” phenomenon by studying the daily “food logs” of 2 Jamaicans, who we will call Miss A and Mr. B.  Miss A is a modern, eat-clean-train-dirty kinda girl while Mr. B is, shall we say, more traditional.  We share the results below:

 
1.      That Tessanne Chin shell dung The Voice to rubble and reminded the world that, despite all our troubles, Jamaica is still a nation of world beaters.

2.      That the Prime Minister travels so often.  After all, she could be at home mashing up di country instead.

3.      That curry chicken back with white rice tastes so gooood!  After all, it’s the only thing most of us can afford this Christmas.