The Full List

Everybody knows the old joke “Why did the chicken cross the road?  To get to the other side”.  Everybody also knows that if you ask a Jamaican a stupid question you’re bound to get an interesting answer. Being curious folks, TJL.com traveled the length and breadth of Jamaica to ask a wide variety of persons their views on why the fowl crossed the road.  Here are their answers:

1.      We do not sit and around and smoke weed all day long.  Of course we could, if we wanted to, because we grow lots of really really good weed but weed is not free and we are a poor 3rd World Country.  Only rich Americans can afford to sit around and smoke weed all day, which is why we export it to you.

2.      We do not listen to Bob Marley’s music all day long. We listen to his sons’ music all day long. (Bob had several sons, most of whom are musicians. – Damian “Junior Gong” Marley, Steven Marley, Ziggy Marley, Julian Marley and Kymani Marley.)

3.      We do not say “yeah mon” in every sentence.  You’re pretty sure you heard your Jamaican friend in the cubicle next to you say those very same words just a few minutes ago?  Well, yeah mon, I’m sure he did but he was probably just making fun of you.

Those tv ads for various Jamaican all-inclusive hotels do a fabulous job of making Jamaica seem like an unspoiled island paradise where life is always slow and easy. Those of us who live here know better. Jamaica is a beautiful and unique corner of the earth but its not always the easiest place in which to live and you’ll need to know the “ins and outs” if you’re going to survive and maybe even prosper. So, if you’re determined to live here, or have no choice but to (because you’ve recently been deported, for example) here are some practical tips for living in Jamaica Land we Love:

You’re not really Jamaican if you’ve never had an experience something along these lines: You’re a child attending a family gathering of some sort with your mother in the country.  During the event she calls you away from where you’re playing jacks/marbles/stucky with your cousins and says “Charlie, come meet yuh Aunt Silda!”

You reluctantly abandon your game and slouch over to where your mother is standing with an elderly lady who smells faintly of bay rum and ginger: “Charlie, this is your Aunt Silda.  You don’t know Aunt Silda-Mae Brown from Chalky Hill?” 

Your polite (but disinterested) response is: “No mummy”

Undeterred she presses on: “Lawd child yuh don’t know yuh family?Aunt Silda-Mae is Mas Joe’s daughter.”

My mother believes that being thrifty is the key to heaven. That’s the only way I can explain why a woman who’s been comfortably middle class for quite a long time still has an almost religious belief in frugality. And its not because I haven’t tried hard to understand from whence this passion comes. I’ve wondered whether it may have been instilled in her as a poor child in the 1950s (she was the 8th of 11 kids) when she grew up in a rural community in the hills of Clarendon and every shilling was the meagre reward for her father’s back-breaking labour on a small plot of farmland. Whatever the reason, one thing I can tell you for certain is that my mother is an absolute fiend when it comes to being thrifty.

It seems to me that it’s not the big things that cause ordinary people to lose their minds and wind up as permanent, straight-jacket-wearing residents of Bellevue Hospital. In fact, every day, large numbers of people work their way through divorces, redundancies, deaths of loved ones and manage to get on with their lives. The things that are most likely to drive us insane are those little, repetitive, exasperating things that happen over and over again and slowly drive us mad. We all put up with a lot of those things last year and, because venting is supposed to be good for one’s mental health, here’s my list of things that (almost) drove me crazy in 2010:

In other countries, when there has been a traffic accident, the drivers involved know that they are required to exchange their particulars and immediately report the matter to the police. In Jamaica the procedure is slightly different. Having been involved in a collision anywhere on the roads of Jamaica you should:

1. Bring your car to a screeching halt in the middle of the road.

2. Jump out of your car leaving the door open and engine running.

3. Race over to the other driver/rider, gesticulating wildly and screaming abuse at them (even if you’re at fault).

Who on earth can keep up with Jamaican slang terminology? As far as we’re concerned only 14 year olds and dancehall DJs have that special gift, but despite that, we’re still fascinated by the brilliantly inventive, lightening-quick, non-stop evolution of popular speech in Jamaica. Here are some of our favourite slang words/phrases of 2010:

I’m addressing this post to all the drivers of buses, trucks and taxis in Jamaica. Now I’m not attempting to single you out for ridicule or persecution but you’re the persons who spend the most time on the road and are, from my observation, responsible for most of the madness that passes for driving these days. And no, I’m not going to simply dismiss you as homicidal morons as so many others have done before. Instead, I’m going to offer you some free advice because, in my heart of hearts, I know you can change for the better. So, please take careful note as I point out some of the more annoying things you do on the road:

So the news has broken and your name and picture are all over the newspapers, airwaves and television. Your phone is ringing off the hook and your political enemies are calling for your head. You’ve been accused of the worst kind of skulduggery and, this time, there appears to be no easy way out. Don’t panic Mr. Minister/Senator/MP, these things happen when you are doing the nation’s work. Luckily for you, thingsjamaicanslove.com has created an easy and effective guide to dealing with political scandals – a sort of Political Scandals for Dummies if you will. All we ask is that you follow each of the steps below carefully (and that you remember us when the juicy contracts are being handed out later).