Ramblings

Imagine it,groups of testosterone-pumping, shot-gun-toting, men; disappearing into the country side, weekends at a time; lost to the mosquito-infused, male-bonding ritual known as Bird Bush. My beloved husband, as it happens, is a member of one of these groups.

As a “transplant” who didn’t grow up in Jamaica but in England (the “Mother Country”), the ironic tradition of bird shooting is lost on me. Ironic because it’s a tradition courtesy of our colonial forefathers, a tradition whose Jamaican history stems back many centuries. In 1937, when Jamaica’s oldest gun club, PWD, was born, the tradition took on a mind all of its own. And now, this tradition has made its way into the heart of many Jamaican men, who wait in anticipation for the opening morning, and the start of another season.

Now, having recently witnessed the whole production myself (yes…I finally got the invite…woo hoo!), let me break it down for you:

I’ve noticed that there are certain phrases used by Jamaicans that are near-impossible to define with any precision. Such phrases are really only understood by Jamaicans who have had a lifetime of practical experience in their use.  “Soon come” is the perfect example. (The Trinidadian equivalent, by the way, is “Just now”)  The phrase can be used in a variety of ways.  So, if the credit card company calls about an unpaid bill, your simply saying:  “Ah  soon come down dere wid the cheque.  I going to the bank right now” may give you another day or two to play with. (Depending on how often you’ve used “soon come” before, that is.)  If your irritated wife calls your cell phone at 1am while you’re at the bar playing dominoes, a simple “Soon come baby. I jus’ about to give dem bwoy yah six-love” should give you at least another hour’s grace. Why? Because, instead of giving a precise time you used the much more vague “soon come” which just means “I’ll be home long before you make a firm decision to divorce me”.  If, however, you had said “I will be home in twenty minutes” and then showed up an hour later you would certainly have been in serious trouble.

There isn’t a Jamaican alive who will refute the proverb “All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy”. In fact yardies have changed the saying to “Nuff play and little work makes Roy a happy boy”.

Though Roy, a healthy Jamaican male, knows that he must go to work to pay either his JPS/Digicel/NWC or baby modda Sonia’s hairdressing bills, the thought of work induces pain from his neck-back to his backside.  When Roy thinks of his job, he subconsciously recalls the plantation fields, and quite naturally aims to avoid working as much as possible.

It was certainly interesting to watch the interviews with the athletes at the recently–concluded World Championships. Live interviews give you a reasonable opportunity to get to know the person better. But one sometimes suspects that the athletes are being politically correct or are “sticking to the script” in their responses.  What if we could actually get into the heads of these elite athletes and hear their thoughts before and after a race?  Wouldn’t that be interesting?  As it turns out thingsjamaicanslove.com has obtained access to top-secret software that lets you do just that. (Don’t ask how. We know people that know people…) So, here are some of the things the athletes at the World Championships in Berlin were thinking:

It seems clear to me that Jamaicans are such a distinctive breed that one should be able to spot them anywhere.  Though we may resemble other persons of African descent, Jamaicans (Jamaicanus Cantankerous is the Latin name for the species) are easy to pick out if you know what to look for. But if you have a particular interest in Jamaicans and are finding it difficult to spot them outside of their “natural habitat” (Jamaica) here are a few pointers for spotting Jamaicans in the “wild”.

The first thing to do is to look for the obvious clues.  If you’re on a New York subway going out for a late-evening drink, it should be obvious that the Jamaican in the crowd is the young lady with the low cut blouse who has covered her entire chest, from cleavage to neck, with baby powder.

Jamaicans, being truly original people, will always find their own ways of doing things. This even includes finding new ways to describe body parts.  We’re sure that many a young doctor, fresh from medical school and spending their first few days at Kingston Public Hospital, has been puzzled by the names used by ordinary Jamaicans to describe their “bits and pieces”. So, in the spirit of public service (for which thingsjamaicanslove.com is so well-known), we now present our guide to human anatomy – Jamaican style.

(We apologise if persons find any of the references included herein to be vulgar.  Alas, the language of the Jamaican man-in-the-street is not always known for its subtlety. We’ve also included, in italics, medical terms for the relevant body part where that term is different from the ordinary English reference)

Aise: Ears. What your man used to fill with sweet lyrics when he was still courting you.

This one should be pretty obvious.  Have you ever met anyone other than a Jamaican whose name is Linval? No, of course you haven’t. For whatever reason, there are just some names which seem to be exclusively used by Jamaicans. In a way they are almost “indigenous” to Jamaica. So I’m not saying there isn’t some guy named Everton in China (Everton Chin-Fatt maybe?) but I guarantee you, Everton’s dad is originally from Jamaica.  And I’m not saying there isn’t some guy named Glenroy in Saudia Arabia (Glenroy bin Laden?) but I promise you his mom’s name is Marva and she originally hails from Clarendon. 

Yes man, there’s more… As I explained in Part 1 of this article, being a Jamaican man is not an easy road. In that piece, I listed a few of the numerous and difficult requirements of Jamaican manhood, but there are still further aspects of Jamaican masculinity that must be mastered. If you think you’re man enough to handle it, here are a few more…

You must choose your hobbies carefully. Manly Jamaican men love manly Jamaican hobbies. We believe our spare time should only be spent in vigorous, testosterone-driven activities. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy your hobbies, but a critical element in your choice of hobby is that it should demonstrate how capable and macho you are. Hunting, shooting and racing are therefore excellent choices, as are yachting and horse racing. Deep sea fishing, golf, and polo will also do nicely. Chess, backgammon and yoga, however, do not qualify.

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not for a moment promoting infidelity or promiscuity. But if we are to be realistic we must acknowledge that, from time to time, men (being simple creatures with powerful needs) will occasionally stray.  When men stray, and don’t get caught, the consequences are usually mild – a troubled conscience being the most likely result.  When men get caught, however, the consequences are often dramatic, severe (for all concerned), and occasionally violent.  It is with this in mind, that I present, as a public service, some guidelines on how not to get caught.

If you must cheat…

Have friends who will lie for you. There is an old joke that attempts to describe the difference between men and women:  A man will call ten of his wife’s female friends and not one of them will be able to say where she is.  A woman, on the other hand, will call ten of a man’s friends and eight of them will claim that he just left their house, while two will claim that he’s still there. Your friends must be the kinds of persons who, if they are roused from sleep at 3am by your irate wife, should be able to quickly construct a story that would persuade a hostile jury in a murder trial. (“Peter, yes man, he’s been here all evening playing dominoes. He left here about five minutes ago to drop home Teddy.”)  If said friend is cross-examined on his story five years later he must be able to repeat the story with a straight face, line for line, and without a single error.

Having arrived at the location for your “indiscretions” the following measures are essential:

While a student at a so-called ‘brand-name’ boy’s school, back in the 80’s, there was a chronic shortage of chairs. This annoying problem usually made the school day one long game of musical chairs for students.  So, for instance, if you took your break at lunchtime, had to go to the science lab or basically went anywhere that required you leaving your classroom, you would often return to find your chair missing. This was quite frustrating and there was really no way of preventing this from happening.

It so happened that one day, to the chagrin of myself and my fellow students, several etchings of male genitalia, apparently done with a sharp-pointed compass, started appearing on some of these chairs. Obviously this was disastrous, since we surely could not afford anymore chairs being taken out of circulation and it did not have to be stated that no boy dared sit on any of these chairs.