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What it means to be a Jamaican Man

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Being a Jamaican man is not an easy task. Just figuring out what is required of you is an enormous, confusing challenge that can take a lifetime. At this point in my life I have learned only enough to know that a Jamaican man is expected, nay, required to meet a variety of contradictory and often onerous stereotypes and failing to meet even one can result in one becoming a social leper.

First and foremost a Jamaican man must not be weak. Strength and virility are prized above all else. This strength and virility is expressed in a number of ways.

Firstly, you must love the ladies. I don’t mean you must like the ladies, you must love them. You must love them like Jesus loved the little children. You must love them by the dozen and by the score. You must love them fat or slim. Tall or short. Black, white, red or brown. You must love them in the morning, at noontime and at night. You must love them in St. Elizabeth, Port Antonio and South Korea. I go further. You must love them even when they don’t love you. You must ignore the fact that you are an overweight, bald, toothless pervert and pursue them with the vigor of a young Casanova.

Let’s be very clear: the ultimate measure of the worth of a Jamaican man is his ability to conquer the fairer sex.

Next, you should have children. The more the better. This, after all, is conclusive proof of your mastery of the opposite sex.  Whether these children are born in or out of wedlock is immaterial. However, if you insist on getting married and having legitimate children, you should have at least have the decency to have one or two outside the marriage... just to demonstrate that, having gotten married, you are still the lady-killer you were before getting married. Never mind that this will entail great expense and result in tense, complicated arrangements with the mothers of your offspring; your credentials as a “gyallis” will be cemented. If you can manage to have two women pregnant at the same time this is ideal. Any public utterances of disapproval will be balanced by the sly winks and knowing chuckles at the local bar. As a good friend of mine would say: “Dat deh, is man”.

These are the basic elements for establishing your strength and virility. However, there are sundry other requirements to be met by a real Jamaican man:

You must love “road”. A real Jamaican man spends as little time as possible at home. Real Jamaican men are always at the bar, at the racetrack, at cricket or at football. They may occasionally be found at work – but only as a means of supporting the aforementioned activities.

As you will have deduced from the above, a Jamaican man must love sports. Ideally, you should have represented the country, your club or your school in football, cricket or track. “Lesser sports” such as table tennis, hockey or water polo will suffice but they will hardly guarantee the respect and admiration of your peers. If your sporting career was cut short by injury (or lack of talent), or if you never had one to begin with, you should at least have a comprehensive knowledge of one of the major sports and an exhaustive knowledge of your favorite team. If you can’t rattle off the weight, shoe size and favourite colour of the wife of your favourite Manchester United player, then you have no business calling yourself a sports fan.

You must revere your high school. For a Jamaican man his high school holds a place in his heart rivaled only by that held by his mother.  I am not sure if this has to do with the coming of age and the forging of treasured friendships that takes place in high school or if its simply because, for most local men, this is the last formal schooling they will receive, but for whatever reason, most Jamaican men have a fervent love of "the old school".  50 years after walking through the gates of their alma mater, most Jamaican men can name their Form teacher, supply the proper name and nickname of every member of their graduating class and sing the clean and bastardized versions of their school song.  Many religious cults labour in vain to instill the fanatical loyalty displayed by male graduates of Jamaican high schools.

You must “bun b*tty man”. Translation: the abhorrence of anything remotely homosexual is de rigeur. You must use every opportunity at your disposal to express your revulsion at the morals of these deviants. You must repeat these sentiments as frequently and loudly as you can manage lest you be suspected of secretly being one of their number.

A knowledge of all things mechanical is also highly desirable.  (Knowledge of politics, philosophy and current affairs is completely optional).  If your lady’s car shudders to a halt on the highway, with smoke pouring from beneath the bonnet, you must appear on the scene in an instant, knowingly mutter something about the drive-shaft-radiator-transmission needing re-calibrating…  and then fix the whole thing with a screwdriver and a paperclip.

If you can successfully juggle these requirements you can safely consider yourself a solid example of Jamaican manhood. You will enjoy the constant affection of Jamaican women, though you may have difficulty ever finding a settled loving relationship with one woman. In Jamaica you will be regarded as tough. Elsewhere in the world you will be regarded as cocky and aggressive. You will enjoy an excellent rapport with your male friends but will have difficulty communicating with women except on the most basic level. You will be secure in knowing that your many children will carry on your line, though, those children may not know you or, knowing you, prefer to avoid you. You will have succeeded in becoming a real Jamaican man… and not much else.

 

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written by Kay, November 28, 2011
Great article. LOL, but with some sadness in my heart.

I am from another island which has a much better economy than Jamaica. Never once did my dates not pay for my dinner on dates, theatre or dance. Never once did a man ever ask me for money. But behold, when I went to Jamaica, things changed. First the approach, he was even bold to say that he wanted to make love to me after talking for about two nights. Of course, I was shocked, I did not go to Jamaica for sex and I did not even hold his hand. I just wanted to get away from the North American stress for the week. Swift talk and I probably was starved for a man`s attention and got mesmerized. Big mistake, I gave him my e-mail address and other particulars. I never will do that again. The e-mail and phone courtship at my expense started. The next thing that I knew was being loved over the phone. Then I was asked to send down money. Always, I love you. I went down to Jamaica a few months later. I had to pay for everything. I still did not see the red flags. I wondered why did I have to pay for the gas, etc., but I was probably glad to have the opportunity for a companion. I also want to tell you that I am not an ugly unattractive woman. Then when I returned, things got worse, money for this and that and always a sad story and when I made a big stink about it, the love started dying. Well, it has been two years now. He has now added a young one to his common law wife and needed lots of money; I don’t even have a quarter of that to pay towards a trip. Of course, I said that I did not have any. Guess what, I wonder where the love and friendship have disappeared to. I don’t even exist anymore. I have read all these posts and many on other sites. DON’T let them fool you; they have it down pat for every age, every size, and you could be the most educated person, they know how to get to you if you are lonely. They have all the lines ready. They get money from many people at the same time. The money exchange companies are very busy. Those tellers must shake their heads when they see all the money wires coming in. Sorry Jamaicans but those are the people we meet when we visit. Yes, I know that there are good men in Jamaica but we don’t meet them as tourists. The Jamaican men who are exposed to foreigners are the biggest con men who exist in the Caribbean. Another thing, what is this thing about I want you to have you to have a baby for me. Why do they feel that people must have children with them when they do not marry them and take on the responsibility for raising their children? This is one part of the culture that I really don’t understand. That does not say that people all over the world don’t have children out of wedlock but it seems to be an epidemic in Jamaica with these type of men. These type of men make me sick. How on earth can I ever trust a man again, I don’t know.
If I had a daughter, I would tell her to RUN, RUN, from Jamaican men.
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written by squarebzz, September 29, 2011
I have enjoyed reading the comments. I fell in love with jamaica a few years ago when I went for the first time with girlfriends. I don't think I even looked twice at the men. I had a mindset that jamaican men were gold diggers and all broke etc. Well several trips later I met a man who threw all those sterotypes out the window. He was intelligent, educated and intriguing. I have been talking to him now for close to a year. We have been able to maintain communication and I am traveling back to JA soon to spend some one on one time with him. We will see how it goes...
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written by squarebzz, September 29, 2011
I have enjoyed reading the comments. I fell in love with jamaica a few years ago when I went for the first time with girlfriends. I don't think I even looked twice at the men. I had a mindset that jamaican men were gold diggers and all broke etc. Well several trips later I met a man who threw all those sterotypes out the window. He was intelligent, educated and intriguing. I have been talking to him now for close to a year. We have been able to maintain communication and I am traveling back to JA soon to spend some one on one time with him. We will see how it goes...
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written by squarebzz, September 29, 2011
I have enjoyed reading the comments. I fell in love with jamaica a few years ago when I went for the first time with girlfriends. I don't think I even looked twice at the men. I had a mindset that jamaican men were gold diggers and all broke etc. Well several trips later I met a man who threw all those sterotypes out the window. He was intelligent, educated and intriguing. I have been talking to him now for close to a year. We have been able to maintain communication and I am traveling back to JA soon to spend some one on one time with him. We will see how it goes...
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written by cinnamon, September 12, 2011
I've known this Jamaican guy for almost 3 years. We've had a casual relationship off and on, never thought anything about it until last year around Christmas of 2010. We recently started seeing each other again and this time its consistent, more than it has ever been. Four months straight is a major difference since 2009. He just started to open up to me about how he was feeling, I'm like wow!, where is this all coming from. Anyway I have a situation and he does as well, but I'm falling for him and he asked me if I loved him. The same stories that you all write about is the same things I am getting from my Jamaican friend as well. Its' hard trying to figure them out. I would like to be with him, but know it will never happen the way I want it to happen. I am American black woman. It's difficult for me to understand where he is coming from. I'm trying to learn all I can about the culture and the men, as well as the food. Sh
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written by Danielle, August 28, 2011
This was funny... but I dont find it to be true with my Jamaican man... I would agree he can be very "quiet" about HIS business but he is humble... a HARD worker, loves his kids and mother. He loves me and he treats me like the queen I am. He loves the Lord. I will tell you something funny. The other day he walked out the shower and I was staring at him and he said...what the hell you looking at you aint never seen a man shower. Funny. I was like where that came from we been together for 6 years. Sometimes he makes me think he crazy lol!
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written by Stehanie B, July 22, 2011
I have a Jamaican guy friend for the past year and loved reading this. I now understand that everything that has me so confused is understandable. When I ask my friend where he is, he generally responds "on the road". I now kinda get it. I bet this dude's wife has her hands full. He's a great guy (I think), but he so outsmarts me that I can never be sure. Fun and games. Loved all the posts here.
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written by beautyNandout, July 08, 2011
baaawwwaaahhha, my jamaican man is nothing like thissmilies/tongue.gif
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written by brady o'connor, June 15, 2011
i am ROFLMAO! TOALLY agree with @Farruck's addition to the formula and furthermore must have an ironic preference for b@cksh-t...@mesa sadly love there are NO instructions...this is the closest i've seen. Stay strong! ; > Looking forward to Pt 2...
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written by Ubi, April 23, 2011
ugh...lol planting seeds all over the place without stepping up to the responsibility of being a good, faithful father and parent..that's not a good look. idk why some ppl just accept it like that's just a "jamaican man". lol stereotypical bull.. WAKE UP, people!
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written by Sunny, April 11, 2011
I tried to stop seeing this Jamaican man but he was so persistant, And I realized that I miss him so much now we are back together.
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written by necey O, March 26, 2011
LoL. this is funny.. some what true but this is not for all Jamaican men.. there are actually gentle men in jamaica.... one important fact is a jamaican man always have him wifey , the girl his mother knows, and the one he spends most money on , take out to special occasion and spends valentines day with.. jamaican men likes drama, so them mek d matey dem fite..lol. .. I LOVE JAMAICA AND JAMAICAN MEN.. wouldnt trade them for anything.. smilies/smiley.gif
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written by trish, March 05, 2011
haha you know i recently fell head over heels in love with a jamaican man. yes they are amazing, but after reading this i understand a little better why he acts the way he does... sad but true.
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written by Andi Williams, February 27, 2011
This is funny, but very accurate. I am Jamaican and I can say that by the grace of God, I will not marry/date/casually consider a Jamaican or African man for that matter. I want nothing to do with them and I could care less if anyone says the same about me as a Black (Jamaican) woman.
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written by sweet thing, February 27, 2011
I am happy who I am with he is nice to me and I like LOVE THAT! smilies/cheesy.gif
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written by henna riaz, February 07, 2011
i love jamaican men !

http://www.myspace.com/hennariaz
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written by mesa, January 29, 2011
why did i not read this before marrying a jamaican they need to come with instructions i want a refund
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written by Vernecia, December 27, 2010
I, for the first time in my life have fallen for a Jamacian man. I tried to avoied it. I did not want this relationship, he kept persuing me. Now I have fallen in love with him, he keeps his distance from me. Why? He tells me he loves me and says he loves me very much. I am so confused. I really miss his touch and kisses, so sweet. All said about a jamacian man, I have found to be true. smilies/kiss.gif
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written by kim, July 30, 2010
Well the article was truly entertaining. But what I have found from my Jamaican king as an american woman they are the most humble people and loving that has shown me how it truly feels to be appreciated for the small things. Though this is is my first relationship with a Jamaican its the best one i have ever had. Much love to Jamaica and there sexy ass ways!!!!
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written by Gayle, June 25, 2010
this is too funny!!
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written by kat, June 11, 2010
i see you've met my husband....

one thing that i must add is that a jamaican man never admits he is wrong EVER!!!!!
and as for the word 'sorry'....'well sorry cyaan buy soldier lorry' ( to quote him directly lol )
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written by Marsha, April 20, 2010
I think this is funny but the truth could offend a stereotypical 'Jamaican Man'. However there is sooooo much more to being a stereotypical 'Jamaican Man'. In addition a real Jamaican man does attend church when the ladies invite him especially christmas, new years eve (@12 then go session after), easter, does sit down outta road on them street corner, does do odd jobs to make ends meet for the family, does walk them pickney to school, and does put down money inna de house pon the table fi dem woman buy food for the family..and does get dark very easily and slam door when them upset or curse 'bad words'...but sooo much more...
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written by Big Kevin, March 04, 2010
True, so true.
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written by Nicole, January 24, 2010
I absolutely agree with everything that was written, thank you for the laugh. I enjoyed it so much, I see my brothers in your article smilies/wink.gif. Love a Jamaican man!!! smilies/cheesy.gif.

Isn't it ironic that the most "homophobic place on earth" have such a poor emotional relationship with a female but work so hard to have the respect and admiration of their male counterpart.
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written by B., December 31, 2009
This is hilarious....Thank you for this comic relief.smilies/grin.gif
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written by KMCM, December 08, 2009
I just don't find this funny at all at all. Especially, since my father fit all those requirements, except that he didn't go to high school and I don't know of him loving any sport. It's not easy living with somebody like this, or looking in the mirror and recognizing that you resemble somebody like this.

Even though I born an grow a Jamaica and still live yah, I was always known for one thing - mi nuh run joke. That probably makes me un-Jamaican. I certainly will not joke about "Man" having unprotected sex with various women, producing multiple children that will starve and suffer, and passing around various venereal diseases.

This is one reason why the country bruk dung an' cyaah bill up. Well as for me, I plan to leave Jamaica at the first opportunity and when I leave I will not return, call myself a Jamaica (unless required) , or tell anyone that I'm a Jamaican until I can do something significant for my country.

What about you?
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written by courtrock77, November 07, 2009
ON THE CAR THING ....All that is required is that you are able to pretend that you have perfectly diagnosed the problem instantly, once you lift the bonnet up, which is demonstrated by you uttering some technically sounding words or jargons (especially any phrase that includes "recalibration" in the case of the car as you mentioned) and then be able to tell her the precise step and process involved in fixing the problem and that you have the right mechanic to send her to ....You will still be The MAN!!!!! Although you can't fix a thing and what you have said is pure ‘foolishness” ........
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written by Farruk, October 14, 2009
and you must never, never admit that you do oral sex, and is you "run things" at home , not the wife.
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written by Kim B., September 01, 2009
HOW brilliant is this article?! So funny and SO apt! Loved it.
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written by cool an deadly, June 24, 2009
Thanks... Make sure you read the second part. And pass it on to your friends!
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