You are here: Home Ramblings Things Your Mother Used to Say When She Beat You
  • Increase font size
  • Default font size
  • Decrease font size

Things Jamaicans Love

JA slide show

Things Your Mother Used to Say When She Beat You

E-mail Print PDF

dicipline_smallAs a somewhat precocious child (my parents preferred the word “rude") I was often in trouble with my parents. My parents, on the other hand, were old-fashioned Jamaicans who believed that the remedy for “precociousness” was a good flogging every now and then. We can argue about the merits of corporal punishment but what always fascinated me was the fact that the flogging alone was never enough. There was always some kind of verbal commentary before/during/after the process. I’ve taken a moment to jot down down some of those comments along with my thoughts on those comments as they were said to me. If you were also a precocious child some of them may sound familiar to you -

So you think you is a big man now? Clearly I’m not. Big men don’t get buss ass.

What yuh crying for? I soon give you something to cry for. Thanks, but no thanks. Clearly I already have enough to cry about.

If you evah see mi dying trial. Huh? If there’s anybody on trial here its me. You’re just the judge and jury. And executioner.

Bwoy if ah box yuh, yuh feneh grease. I always wondered - What is a “feneh” and why were we lubricating it? Mind you, I couldn’t ponder on this too long as I was too busy running for my life.

Pickney dis is for yuh own good. Ahhh… I’m not so sure about that. Can you provide any hard evidence to support that assertion? Any empirical data? Have any studies been done? And If I say I’m not entirely conviced of this proposition could we postpone the flogging while we discuss it?

Dis going to hurt me more than it hurt you. I don’t see how that’s possible since you’re the one with the belt and I’m the one getting licks.

Boy if I box yuh, yuh think is a train lick yuh. I doubt it. You lick hotter than any train.

Boy, go for the belt! Its not enough that you’re about to flog me, I also have to go and fetch the instrument of my suffering??? There must be something in the United Nations Charter of Rights against forcing persons to assist in their own torture.

You wait till ah ketch yuh. Well, that’s why I’m running. I know what happens after the “ketching”.

What is wrong with this child God?! If God answers, you let me know. I’d be very interested to hear what he has to say about me.

Boy I tyad to talk to yuh! But you’re not too tired to beat me though? Apparently a good flogging is less tiring that talking?

Boy, if you touch that pot/cookie/fridge/football/stove/matches one more time! Lets just say I was a curious child. I always had to see what exactly was gonna happen after that one more time. The result was always the same though – a buss ass.

And my all time favourite…

If you can’t hear den you must feel! This line was usually delivered between slaps, so it came out something like this: If (slap) you (slap) can’t (slap) hear (slap) den (slap) you (slap) must (SLAP!) feel!


Comments (11)Add Comment

Write comment

blog comments powered by Disqus

The Full Scrolling List

Hot Guinness

Fred Sandford, George Jefferson and Mr. T

Being militantly homophobic

LOUD Dancehall music

Fat girls

The Death Penalty

Violent feuds between dancehall artists

Hardough bread

Bulla an pear

Michael Jackson

Pretending to embrace the rastafarian culture

Not locking off the dance at 2am

Cussing America while keeping green card in a vault

Having a 'link dung a warf'

Good weed

Tax avoidance

Inept Politicians

Good Hair

Any tonic/potion/drink that promises improved sexual performance



Sending greetings from farin at Chrstmas time

West Indies Cricket Team and the Reggae Boyz... when they are winning...

Dances that only a few people know how to do

Praedial larceny

Beating a praedial larcenist

Beating thieves in general

Six-a-side football

Cell phones

White rum


Having the reputation for being the most violent people in the world

A good "kickers" (martial arts movie)

A barrel from farin at christmas time/easter/new years/labour day...

Rims, spoilers, loud mufflers and other things that usually cost more than the car itself...

Buying licence


Fried chicken with curry goat/stew beef/ox-tail gravy



Scandal bags

Hockey and saltfish

Cawn pork

Banana flitters

Unquestioning devotion to either of the 2 major political parties



Stew chicken for breakfast

Hot Red Stripe for breakfast

Thursday/Friday/Saturday/Sunday night street dance

Sky juice

Bag juice

Kisco pop

Souls (soul music)

Giving kids made-up names

Duppy Story

Nine Night

Country funerals

Goat feed

Banging pot covers at football matches/track meets/political rallies

Blocking roads

Demanding "Justice"

Cussing JPS

Tiefing light

Beating nations 20 times our size in a variety of sports

Jumping Fence

Threatening to apply "monkey lotion" on our female rivals


Christmas breeze

Turning 20ft. shipping containers into homes, offices, restaurants and studios

Fry dumpling

Controversial radio talk show hosts

Sucking chicken bones after a meal

Running a boat



Disputes with family members about "Dead lef"

Devon House ice cream


facebook like

Latest Comments


Latest Posts

Quick Poll 4 (New)

Favourite Jamaican-made drink:


Subscribe to