The thingsjamaicanslove.com Guide to Human Anatomy
Jamaicans, being truly original people, will always find their own ways of doing things. This even includes finding new ways to describe body parts. We’re sure that many a young doctor, fresh from medical school and spending their first few days at Kingston Public Hospital, has been puzzled by the names used by ordinary Jamaicans to describe their “bits and pieces”. So, in the spirit of public service (for which thingsjamaicanslove.com is so well-known), we now present our guide to human anatomy – Jamaican style.
(We apologise if persons find any of the references included herein to be vulgar. Alas, the language of the Jamaican man-in-the-street is not always known for its subtlety. We’ve also included, in italics, medical terms for the relevant body part where that term is different from the ordinary English reference)
Aise: Ears. What your man used to fill with sweet lyrics when he was still courting you.
Batty: Bottom. Gluteus maximus. In better times, your “round-batty” is what your wutless man used to call your best feature.
Belly bottom: Abdomen. Yuh cried until yuh belly bottom cramp an’ yuh yeye dem red when you realised that your wutless man had left you for another woman who he had been seeing for some time. (Note: In popular Jamaican parlance this “other woman” is known as a “matey”)
Choat: Throat. Pharynx. The part of your wutless man’s body that you swore you were going to wrap your hands around when you found him and squeeze until he choked to death.
Foot bottom: Sole of the foot. Plantar aspect/Plantar sole of the foot. What you used to kick yuh wutless man in his knee-cup when you finally buck up him and your matey.
Farid: Forehead. Squama frontalis. What you used to butt your wutless man with when he attempted to restrain you.
Han’ miggle: Palm. Palmar surface of the hand. What you used to box yuh matey in har jaw-corner for stealing your man.
Head back: Back of the head. Occipital bone. The place where matey hit you with a beer bottle after you boxed her in her jaw-corner.
Head top: Top of the head. Parietal bones/Crown. It’s rumoured that it is matey’s ability to get into this position during intercourse that makes that dirty Jezebel so popular with other people’s husbands.
Jaw corner: Jaw. Mandible. Place where you boxed matey with your han’ miggle when she made fun of your “big batty” after you confronted her about stealing your man.
Knee cup: Knee. Patella. Place where you kicked your wutless man and two police officers with your foot-bottom when they tried to part the fight between you and your matey.
Pum pum: The female genitalia. Though you warned her not to speak so “loosely”, it was matey’s vulgar and inappropriate references to this part of your anatomy and her suggestion that its “deficiencies” were the reason she was able to steal your man that caused the altercation that ultimately led to matey’s demise and your subsequent incarceration.
Y’eye: Eyes. What you use to look through the bars of your cell at your wutless man and his new girlfriend as they walk past the prison, hand in hand, while he whispers sweet lyrics in her aise.