What it means to be a Jamaican man - Part Second

Yes man, there’s more… As I explained in Part 1 of this article, being a Jamaican man is not an easy road. In that piece, I listed a few of the numerous and difficult requirements of Jamaican manhood, but there are still further aspects of Jamaican masculinity that must be mastered. If you think you’re man enough to handle it, here are a few more…

You must choose your hobbies carefully. Manly Jamaican men love manly Jamaican hobbies. We believe our spare time should only be spent in vigorous, testosterone-driven activities. Now, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t enjoy your hobbies, but a critical element in your choice of hobby is that it should demonstrate how capable and macho you are. Hunting, shooting and racing are therefore excellent choices, as are yachting and horse racing. Deep sea fishing, golf, and polo will also do nicely. Chess, backgammon and yoga, however, do not qualify.

Another key requirement to consider when choosing your pastimes is that they should put you into competition with your peers. This will allow you (if you’re any good) to demonstrate that you are stronger, faster and smarter than your peers and thereby provide concrete proof of your manliness. As these hobbies tend to be expensive they will also nicely demonstrate that you are a man of means. As a further benefit, ardent devotion to any of these pastimes will legitimately keep you away from your wife and children for hours, even days, at a time.

At the end of a long day of hunting/shooting/fishing you must gather with your friends, to discuss (i.e. lie to each other about) your success in the day’s events over a cold beverage. Being able to hold your liquor is therefore essential. And by “hold” I don’t mean that you should be able to manage a beer or two.  No, part of being a Jamaican man is being able quaff obscene quantities of overproof liquor without difficulty. White and red rum, chased with water or ice are best.  Scotch is also an admirable choice. I would caution you to avoid lite beers, rum creams and any drink served with an umbrella in the glass. Consuming these in front of other Jamaican males will only expose you to ridicule.

Let there be no confusion on this point: it is not enough to simply “drink a rum” or two.  You must be able to consume your favourite drink in quantities that would drown a whale, all while regaling your friends with hilarious stories and keen observations on life. Having drunk the bar dry you should be able to walk unaided to your, drive safely to your girlfriend’s home, and make passionate love to her for two hours. That done, you should be able to drive to your matrimonial home and, if required, make love to your wife with the same vigour that you did to your girlfriend. You’ll need to be able to do that, day in and day out for a few years, before you even dare call yourself a Jamaican man.

Next, any keen observer of the Jamaican male will tell you that he defines himself by the he drives. Naturally, there are numerous choices of “chariot”, and this will allow you to express your individual taste, BUT there are certain basic guidelines from which you must not deviate. A Jamaican man’s car should be either: expensive and fast, or expensive and rugged or expensive and luxurious. Compact cars, hybrids and white deportee vehicles from Japan should be avoided.

Now, if you’ve been reading carefully you will have picked up a recurring theme here. Successfully navigating the requirements of Jamaican manhood requires money. Gobs of it. One does not drive a luxury German automobile, drink premium liquor six nights a week and go “sporting” on the weekend without some “senior corn”. And for damn sure, one does not maintain a wife, two girlfriends, three households and five children without deep pockets. (see Part 1 of this article for details on this requirement)

So establishing yourself as a prime example of the Jamaican alpha male will require that you figure out a way to make lots of money. Your burden will be a little lighter if you can figure out a way to consistently evade the tax man or if you can get in and out of a ponzi scheme at an early stage. Unfortunately, none of these strategies is foolproof. Or sustainable.

But lets assume that you find a clever way to get rich. Having made your millions you must accept the fact that you will spend that money as fast as, if not faster, than you made it - if you faithfully follow the advice set out here. You can save towards your retirement but this means making sacrifices now… And that will be hard to do if you haven’t yet acquired the trophy-car to park at the trophy-house on the hill, in which you’ve installed your trophy-wife and kids. And how can you put aside money for your dotage if you haven’t yet bothered to set up your “outside girl” and her kids? That done, as I’ve described, you’ll also need to devote a small fortune to pursuing your hobbies, your prowess at which, you will boast to your friends over drinks at the golf/polo/yacht club. No, saving for retirement will have to take a back seat while you get the important things out of the way. Your best bet is to hope that you die of a heart attack at age fifty while making love to your twenty-year-old girlfriend after a long day on your yacht… and long before your creditors catch up with you.