If you must cheat...

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not for a moment promoting infidelity or promiscuity. But if we are to be realistic we must acknowledge that, from time to time, men (being simple creatures with powerful needs) will occasionally stray.  When men stray, and don’t get caught, the consequences are usually mild – a troubled conscience being the most likely result.  When men get caught, however, the consequences are often dramatic, severe (for all concerned), and occasionally violent.  It is with this in mind, that I present, as a public service, some guidelines on how not to get caught.

If you must cheat…

Have friends who will lie for you. There is an old joke that attempts to describe the difference between men and women:  A man will call ten of his wife’s female friends and not one of them will be able to say where she is.  A woman, on the other hand, will call ten of a man’s friends and eight of them will claim that he just left their house, while two will claim that he’s still there. Your friends must be the kinds of persons who, if they are roused from sleep at 3am by your irate wife, should be able to quickly construct a story that would persuade a hostile jury in a murder trial. (“Peter, yes man, he's been here all evening playing dominoes. He left here about five minutes ago to drop home Teddy.”)  If said friend is cross-examined on his story five years later he must be able to repeat the story with a straight face, line for line, and without a single error.

Having arrived at the location for your “indiscretions” the following measures are essential:


Find the back door.  Carefully map out an exit route well in advance. Find the nearest door or window, make sure its unlocked, and make a note of all obstacles (hedges, fences, gates, etc) between you and your (getaway) car.  If a speedy escape is required you must be ready.

Beware of dog.  Make sure unfriendly dogs do not hinder your escape.  Go to the back fence and whistle. If a friendly terrier comes along wagging his tail – great. If two snarling pit bulls the size of horses rush the fence, find an alternative escape route.

Thou shalt not fall asleep. If you must rest after your labours, do so in the comfort and safety of your own home.  If the need to sleep is irresistible then take a short snooze and set the alarm on your cell phone. But put it on vibrate.

Do not fall asleep in the buff. If you are taken unawares, nakedness provides absolute, incontrovertible proof of your guilt.

If you fall asleep in the buff do not attempt to get fully dressed when a speedy escape is required. Forget appearances. Grab your things and run. If your pursuer appears to be gaining on you, abandon your belongings and increase your speed. It is better that you be seen running naked through the streets than to be caught fully-clothed and beaten to death.

Silence is golden. A quick escape is essential, but a quiet one is just as important. Many a clean getaway has been foiled by a ringing cell phone, jangling belt buckle and even an untimely belch.

And finally… do not get caught reading this article.