Election Manifesto of the PPBP (People’s Pork Barrel Party)

Having given deep thought to the hopes, dreams and aspirations of ordinary Jamaican people the PPBP solemnly promises that if the people see fit to bestow on us the awesome honour and responsibility of forming the next government we will:

1. Provide unlimited quantities of high quality Brazilian weave for every woman
2. NEVER call an election during Christmas time. Man fi fulljoy dem self during di season. No election ting roun’ ere.
3. Provide unlimited phone credit on all networks and between all networks!
4. Immediately abolish the Night Noises Act. Dance fi gwaan! Go ahead and disturb your neighbour!
5. Abolish all tolls on toll roads in Jamaica. Maintenance of the roads will instead be covered by the bar receipts from weekly street dances at various sections of the roads.
6. Forget about fixing roads. That is an impossible task. What we will provide is lucrative road-repair contracts to everyone who claims to be a contractor. If we cant have smooth roads at least we can put everyone in a position to buy a luxury SUV to handle the potholes.
7. Forget about stopping crime. This is also an impossible task. Instead we will be lifting all restrictions on civilians owning guns. Let the people defend themselves. If a gun man want tek yuh vehicle him betta be prepared fi ah shootout.