You might be Jamaican if…
Were you raised in an orphanage and find yourself unsure about your country of origin? Well have no fear ThingsJamaicansLove.com now presents its foolproof “You-might-be-a-Jamaican-Do-it-yourself-Test-Your-Nationality-Kit” -
If your natural expression is “screw face”, then… you might be Jamaican
If it takes you 0.0013 seconds to go from mild-mannered gentleman to homicidal maniac when the words “Yuh mumma” are spoken in your direction, then… you might be Jamaican.
If you see an angry mob beating someone and you instinctively join the beating and only stop to ask “why” when the beating is done, then… you might be Jamaican.
If it doesn’t matter to you whether the tickets to an event cost $500 or $15,000, because you get way more satisfaction from finding a way to beat the gate or jump the fence, than actually paying to get in, then… you might be Jamaican.
If you have 5 outside kids, 4 baby mommas, 3 step-kids, 2 adopted kids and one wife with whom you’ve never had children and that wife has raised all those outside/adopted/step kids, then… you might be Jamaican.
If Vybz Kartel is your favourite artiste but you still know the words to every Whitney Houston song ever written, then… you might be Jamaican.
If you get violently angry when your lunch is served without sufficient gravy on the rice, then… you might be Jamaican.
If you instinctively run towards the sound of gunshots and not away from them, then… you might be Jamaican.
If your natural approach when driving a car is “live fast, die young, f#ck the police”, then… you might be Jamaican.
If you have a natural inclination to be a “tribalist” and find that joining any group (even if that group is the Girl Guides) causes you to develop a deep, unreasoning hatred of any rival group and you react violently to any criticism of your group, then…you might be Jamaican.
If you like your women fat and facety, then… you might be Jamaican.
If you have an innate ability to string curse words together with great eloquence and fluidity and you’re able to do so for long periods without pausing to take a breath then, then… you might be Jamaican.